My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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