I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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