We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
