I've blown a few things in my day
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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