I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
