Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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