Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
as a side note pls kill me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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