I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
