She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
me + whiskey = a bad person
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars