What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.