It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
