Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
