There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
