Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
