I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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