the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
