what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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