I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
