when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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