Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
