If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Holy shit dude........stairs
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
