I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
