My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
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