The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
