Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I licked your asshole in confidence.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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