I hate all girls vehemently.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize