I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
