we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
