I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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