turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
