Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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