no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
