he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
