sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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