Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
