When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
