Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm having to shit out rocks
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