I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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