just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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