Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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