I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
