I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
