Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I think my nap took me to another dimension
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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