just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
