I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
