we have pet lesbian snakes
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
