If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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