i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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