K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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