It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
