I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have feelings that need drinking.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
