addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
