I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Green mimosas i think yes
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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