hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
