I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
