Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
