You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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